Introduction

Let my start by introducing my self....and the disorder mentioned on the title. I am Jenny, a 44 (almost 45) year old mom of 3, Greek living in Germany for the past 5 years. I was also about 6 years in the US then back to Greece, then here. I have been through a lot but I survived. I always thought it was me causing all those burdens, it was my bad choices. And they were. But what I did not know is that there was a reason behind all those bad choices. And it wasn't until 6 months ago when I decided finally to go into therapy, that I started to realize what the reasons were (and are).

I am not even close to being healed, I have a long process ahead of me but I am determined to find and love myself for once. Apparently my childhood and my parents (one of them a narcissist, the other constantly depressed) took a huge toll on me and affected my whole life till now.

But since I mentioned it, what is a narcissist ? What is NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) ?
I am in no way a specialist, a doctor, a therapist. I speak only from experience and from my own personal research. Whatever I post here about it will be exclusively from sources I found during my research and I hope it can help you as it helped me. So in your minds when you hear "narcissist" is the everyday term we use someone to describe someone self absorbed...and it is that too, but so much more. Here is what a narcissist is according to Psychology Today

When we think of narcissists, we usually picture someone with an inflated ego — someone bossy and arrogant, who has to be right. To be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the person must exhibit grandiosity (if only in fantasy) and lack of empathy, as exhibited by at least five of the following traits:

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance and exaggerates achievements and talents.

Dreams of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

Believes he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions.

Requires excessive admiration.

Unreasonably expects special, favorable treatment or compliance with his or her wishes.

Exploits and takes advantage of others to achieve personal ends.

Lacks empathy for the feelings and needs of others.

Envies others or believes they’re envious of him or her.

Has arrogant behaviors or attitudes.

In addition to the grandiose “Exhibitionist Narcissist” described above, James Masterson identified “Closet Narcissists” — those with a deflated, inadequate self-perception, a sense of depression and inner emptiness. (They are also referred to as "Introverted Narcissists.") They may appear shy, humble, or anxious, because their emotional investment is in the idealized other, which is indirectly gratifying (Masterson, 2004). “Malignant Narcissists" are the most pernicious and hostile type, enacting anti-social behavior. They can be cruel and vindictive when they feel threatened or don’t get what they want.

So guys, this is not a joke ! It is serious, it is a personality disorder and the worse thing is that it can not be easily detected !! You can be friends with a narcissist, you can have one as a partner or spouse, coworker, family member and chances are you will never know or when you do it will be already too late ! People who have a narcissist in their lives are destroyed and it takes a long time of therapy for them to heal..some never fully do. I will explain on my next posts what exactly happens.

So I have been the victim on one as a parent (but I had no idea), then one as a husband (a therapist mentioned to me once about narcissism but back then I did not want to believe it) and then the recent one as a partner. This last one took a huge toll on me cause he was (and is) one of the worst cases..one that you cannot easily detect until it is too late and you are so deep in the hole that it is almost impossible to get out. And since I just started my process of healing now, I decided to write down everything so when I have doubts or question myself, I come back and read and remember.
Also, I thought it would be a good way to connect with others that go through the same thing and maybe help others to understand and heal.

So this is it for now... I hope you stick around and maybe also share your thoughts, experiences and comments.

Have a good one